did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
