i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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