Jerry, you need to find god
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You are the jesus of drinking
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize