If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
two words: eviction party
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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