thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize