Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
