I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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