someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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