haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
