you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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