Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
