I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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