he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
