I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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