just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my liver is dry heaving
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
