yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
