I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
