I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
