The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize