Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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