I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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