I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
