I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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