you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
