i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
