So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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