the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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