it's too hot outside to masturbate.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
