WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
