Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
