i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
