And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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