thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
