Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
