I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
