he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
