Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize