New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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