____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
