He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize