the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
vagina is talking i cant
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize