you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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