OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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