Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
