he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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