I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
