anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Randomize
