i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
