i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
