go do what you do best...puke behind churches
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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