so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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