wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
