Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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