so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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