Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
