thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
