apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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